No matter how bad your last shot was, you
should have Inner peace knowing that a shittier
one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on
the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)
Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The
probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though
this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact
that the more expensive the golf ball, thegreater
itsattraction to water. Expensive clubs have
been known to be partly made with this most
unusual natural alloy.)
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.
If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the
universe and should be cut down.
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all
His playing partners must solemnly chant “You
looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified
he deems himself as an instructor.
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret
desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole,
the greater its desire.
Palm trees eat golf balls.
Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be
bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a
group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a
convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some
All 3-woods are demon-possessed .
All 3-woods are demon-possessed .
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow
one another, particularly out of bounds or into the
water (See LAW 3).
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
The person you would most hate to lose to will
always be the one who beats you.
LAW 15 :
The last three holes of a round will automatically
adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only
until the sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your
fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning
of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you
will always look down again at exactly the
moment when you should have continued
watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
share his ideas about your swing.
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when
you lie 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he
breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of
his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on
a golf course is a straight line that passes directly
through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time,
and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must
subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore
the fundamental equilibrium of the Universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods
does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
There are two things you can learn by stopping
your backswing at the top and checking the
position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade”
on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw